Saturday, December 3, 2016

Anger

Some people never realized where my little outbursts would come from. But I walked around up until abut 3 years ago now being angry with the world. I promise if you read this and you feel you can relate find a way yourself to let it go. I never thought I could find peace and I have. But I was molested as a child starting at 8 by three different people. My family was oblivious to it. Didn't notice that I drank everyday in junior high and most of high school. Carried a bubble bottle with brandy that I drank on the way to school. I just wanted to be numb. My biological father had dislocated my elbow, beat me, burned me and kidnapped me all before the age of 5. And by 12 he made me so less than nothing and walked out of my life telling me it was my fault. I saw him maybe 4 times between 12 and 40. Thank God for my Dad (my step-dad). He was the one who was there in the moments of tough times. And never made me feel less than. Though he did drink. And because he did my mother worked and was never home and never around. So I was pregnant and married to a man who wanted me to be something I wasn't at 18. I stayed unhappily married to him for fear of trying to be myself for 22 years. I lost my life due to fear. The final straw was when I got sick. Having RSD actually gave me more strength in the end. Before I finally broke I had the courage to leave an unhappy marriage. But I found myself on my knees. I had spent close to 30 years with this person & I did love them. And they were gone.  If we did talk it was ugly. I almost took my own life. No one again around me seemed to notice or care the dark hole I was in. It astonished me that once again I had no one to trust but myself. So I found myself treatment. And did all the work and turned my life around. I found out by no ones surprise really I had PTSD. Which is under control. I have the most incredible team of doctors. You have to become your own best advocate. You can trust no one better to take care of your needs than the person who looks back at you in the mirror. They answer to know one but you, they take care of no ones needs better than you, they love no one more than you. Because they are YOU! I lived this and learned it. I have become my own best advocate. I wont lie to you and tell you that I don't slip and not speak up for myself now and again. Lifetime habits die hard deaths. But I am also learning to do it in a softer more gentle less confrontational way. Its amazing how much further this approach goes. This blog isn't all about tarot, spirits, and seeing beyond the veil. Because this will never happen for you if your house isn't in order. I by your house I mean your life. It starts from within. To talk to the angels you first need to be able to love including yourself openly, unselfishly. Love and light to you All.

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